


Can I still love you?

by Ely_Pines



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Asexual Bucky Barnes, Biromantic Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Demisexual Steve Rogers, Internalized Acephobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-07 04:25:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16401275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ely_Pines/pseuds/Ely_Pines
Summary: Bucky has feelings but no desire to be touched. He can't help but think that it's wrong.





	Can I still love you?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! It's the Asexual Awareness Week and I couldn't pass up an opportunity to write a feel-good fic for aces - escpecially with my favorite character ever.
> 
> Raising awareness of asexuals' existence is really important because no one deserve to feel "broken" or "wrong" because they don't want to have sex with others. Let us be proud of our asexuality. We are not broken, we are the ultimate cuddly buddies.  
> \---

When Bucky walked into the room, Steve was shouting and swearing, his hands on his hips, a frown covering the totality of his ocean eyes. Meanwhile, Natasha quietly sipped her coffee out of a mug with a “Daddy #1” on one side - since everything at the Avengers compound, especially in the common rooms, belonged more or less to Stark, they all had wondered successively where this mug came from.

“Relax, Rogers.”

“How am I supposed to-?!”

He slapped both of his hands on the countertop and Nat jumped - and then looked disapprovingly at him before checking that not one drop of her coffee had escaped.

Bucky chose this moment to sheepishly move forwards.

“Hi guys” he said with his deep voice.

Steve immediately turned to him and it was obvious that some tension got released from his shoulders just as quickly.

“Hello James” said Natasha, “did you sleep well?”

“I hope he did because I’m in _no way_  gonna watch your backs on a fucking freezing rooftop this time!” shouted Clint.

Hawkeye was wrapped up in a blanket and slouched on the couch. Natasha sighed in his direction. But when she talked, she had that little smirk floating over her face.

“We got it, Clint. You’re a tired bird in dire need of hibernation.”

“Very funy, Nat.” Barton answered.

The two continued quipping at each other. Steve, left alone, growls almost inaudibly. But Bucky heard and eyed him circumspectly, as he was trying to make his way behind the countertop and his friend in order to prepare his breakfast, unnoticed. Yet, he couldn’t stop himself from asking to his best friend, once he had poured himself some coffee and joined him, leaning on the countertop.

“What happened? Was there a problem?”

Steve seemed about to explode with anger all over again but he somehow managed to keep his cool and instead sighed deeply and slid the newspaper on the table for him to see. The headline of it was dedicated to Captain America. But not in a positive way. Bucky’s eyebrow rose.

“I can’t believe... After all we’ve gone through” mumbled Steve.

Natasha put down her mug and looked at the renown Captain America himself.

“Steve, you know there’ll always be people to hate you. You really need to let that go.”

Steve winced.

“I know that! But that’s not the problem!”

“So, what is?”

He gestured vaguely but Nat rose an eyebrow and forced him to explain himself - he was pretty sure she could have guessed on her own but the Black Widow was done with everyone’s shit.

“I mean, if it were, you know, real arguments, not... That’s just bullshit, Nat. That’s all what is it: just bullshit with no point whatsoever.”

While they were talking, Bucky read the paper in his mind but suddenly, one expression in particular stroke him and he read it out loud.

“A 95-years-old virgin?”

Steve turned red on the instant and buried his face in his hands. Natasha burst out with a triumphant laugh.

“Don’t dare lie to me Rogers, that’s where your problem comes from!”

Steve looked at her through his fingers. He then stood up and took a deep breath.

“I just-”

He looked at Bucky with a uncertain expression. Bucky returned his confused gaze (because he had little to no clue at all of what was currently going on).

“I just don’t get it” said the Captain. “Why would it matter at all that I’m still a virgin?”

“So you are!” shouted Nat and Barton at the same time - Steve glared at Hawkeye who was supposed to be so ill he was even more deaf than usual. But all his anger ran down on Black Widow instead.

“Yes and so what?! You think I had _time_  to date on the 40’s? You think I had time during the _War_? And when I woke and discovered that Peggy was old! And then died!”

He almost shouted the last sentence. The room fell silent. Natasha looked down and bit her lower lips.

“Sorry” Steve mumbled but the redhead shook her head.

“No. It’s on me. You already told me all that stuff but I imagined... That was stupid of me. Please, excuse me.”

“You don’t have to apologize.”

Steve glanced at Bucky who had froze, his mug in his right hand, the left one holding loosely the newspaper. The blond chuckled at that sight. He reached out for the ex-assassin but stopped mid-way hesitating while Bucky himself had stiffened. But then, Steve closed the distance and rubbed him gently on the back. Bucky sighed but remained tensed.

“I hope I didn’t scare you, Buck” the blond said.

Bucky shook his head.

“Ya didn’t. I think I’ve seen more frightening men than ya, ya know.”

“Right.”

Steve wasn’t sure if that was a joke and thus smiled uncomfortably - Nat didn’t had such concern and giggled frankly. After a few seconds, though, as Bucky still looked somewhat anxious, Steve asked again:

“Are you okay? I know it must be a lot, with all of that-” he gestured to embrace the common room in its totality “-all of us, too, but you know you can talk to me, right? I mean, if there’s anything you want to discuss or just if you want to talk.”

The ex-assassin smiled.

“Thanks. But I’m fine, don’t worry.”

He swallowed the rest of his coffee and after nearly throwing his mug into the sink - hopefully he stopped himself just in time before breaking something else for the second time of the week - moved towards the exit. As he was going to open the door, it burst open, almost hitting him in the process and he found himself judged by Stark’s ever-present sunglasses.

“Oh, hello, Barnes. Didn’t see you there, buddy. Everything’s fine?”

“Hello James!” chirped in Pepper.

Bucky roughly nodded to the both of them and hurried off. However, as Tony and Pepper moved into the room and left the door slightly opened, his curiosity got the better of him and he couldn’t help but eavesdrop the following conversation.

“I heard noises!” shouted Stark (man, did he ever listen to himself? _He_  was the most noisy of them all!) “Did Barnes break a mug again? Cap, you really need to tell you old murderer pal that mugs are meant for multiple use.”

“He didn’t break anything and I’ll appreciate if you wouldn’t call him-”

But Natasha interrupted him. Bucky also heard a stool scraping and figured Pepper had taken a seat. He imagined her sitting with her legs neatly crossed.

“It wasn’t Barnes. It was Rogers. The news called him a virgin and he got offended.”

“Seriously?” Stark burst out laughing and they all had to wait two whole minutes before he could speak again. “That’s gold. Definitively. Please, tell me more.”

There was a muffled sound and Bucky guessed it was probably Steve starting to pace the room out of his rage or just changing his position to stand more Captain American-y - he did that short of thing when he frowned and crossed his arms while steadying his stand on the ground. Really impressive, even for the brainwashed soldier.

“Absolutely not. There’s nothing to tell, Tony. Nothing at all, you hear me?”

“Hey! Cap, calm down!”

Tony’s voice softened suddenly.

“Who said I was judging you? I’m judging those idiots who thought this sort of things would belong in a newspaper. Right, Pepper, remind me to have them fired.”

“Tony...” said Pepper in a disapproving tone - yet amused.

“Sorry. What I meant, Cap-” Bucky tried to have a sneak peek of the room and saw the two men facing each other. Stark looked serious - for once. “-is that I fucking don’t care. And you should too. I mean especially when it’s from that piece of garbage.”

“If I recall correctly” chimed in Romanov “lately they also implied that in your time, you’d slept with seven different women a week.”

“Exactly. Which proves how wrong they are. It was nine.”

“Yeah, I remember that, too.” Pepper snapped at him - but from what Bucky could see, she had a mildly smile on her face.

Tony then proceeded to win her affection back by pulling her into a passionate kiss. She giggled and let him.

Afterwards, they started talking about something else entirely and Bucky went back to his room.

 

***

 

At the end of the day, Steve joined him on the balcony, outside the living room. Bucky was leaning on the rail, holding a cup of strong tea - that day’s mission had went quite well, even in Hawkeye’s absence and the ensuing feeling of stress Bucky had when he was left alone for the sniping.

The sun was slowly disappearing beneath the horizon and both the sky and the landscape were beautifully painted in orange, red and purple.

“Really pretty, isn’t it?” said Steve.

“Don’t you want to paint it?” asked Bucky without thinking.

He scowled when he realized what he just said.

Steve looked surprised - maybe because it was the first time they were talking about his old drawing habits. Bucky’s mind was still filled with huge gaps but sometimes, some words, some sights would trigger a few memories to come back. Bucky knew how happy it made Steve feel and how the blond had to physically restrain himself from forever babbling with Bucky of their past. To be honest, it was hard for both of them - Steve, to not talk about their mutual past and the now lost world he grew in as Bucky was now the only one left able to understand it, and Bucky because as much as he wanted to remember everything, he also felt he first needed to find himself again. But this night could be an exception.

“You always wanted to paint but we never could have afforded the easel and stuff.”

Steve smiled shyly and looked away.

“I don’t know, Buck. It’s been a long time since I’ve drawn. Like decades, if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, it’s amazing how times flies.”

They both laughed. When they fell silent again, Steve moved closer to him. He lifted up his hands and gently brushed a strand of his long dark hair behind his ear. His fingers kept twiddling smoothly within it. Bucky closed his eyes and focused on his respiration.

“Could you just. Not do that?”

“Sorry.”

Steve quickly took back his hand and looked embarrassed. Bucky breathed out and beat himself mentally for having said that. He regretted the feeling.

They stood for a long moment. The air was quiet - the rest of the Avengers weren’t in the living-room, hence the calm - and not too much chilly. Eventually, Steve shivered. Bucky’s immediate reaction was to reach out for him.

“Do you want-?”

But he realized what he was doing and stopped mid-sentence and mid-way. His arms fell down to his sides. He couldn’t looked at Steve in the eyes. He hated himself so much in that instant.

Steve patted him on the shoulder only once.

“Hey, Buck. It’s fine.”

Bucky shook his head.

“No, it’s not. It’s not fine. Steve, it’s not.”

Tears were coming up and he couldn’t finish his sentence. There was so much he wanted to say. Yet he was unable to say them out loud.

Steve’s heart broke at the sight. He pulled his friend into a tight hug and whispered in his hear:

“Then it will be. I promise you, Buck. I’m here. I’m not leaving you. We’ll figure it out. Together. Remember? Till the end of the line.”

Bucky slightly chuckled when he heard the last part. God, that thing was so sappy. The first time he had said it, it could have passed for something insignificant but now that Steve had used that expression to break though his HYDRA conditioning, it was just too much.

Still, Steve felt safe. Bucky clutched to him and his smells. Steve smelled like home. Sure, even after decades of torture, his body remembered how it felt to hug Steve and how that Steve was definitively not the one he used to hug, back in their Brooklyn’s days. So long for the “home” part. But Bucky was sure he could adapt. He did it during the War, after all. Even if his Steve had broadened since then (how did he manage that seriously?), he could do it again.

“Steve...”

“Yeah, Buck?”

Bucky didn’t answer and held on to him tighter. He could feel Steve’s hot breath in his ear and over his neck. Steve’s own neck was also comfortable to lay on one’s head.

“Maybe we should get some sleep. What do you think, eh?” Steve asked gently.

They parted - Buckly didn’t want to but he had to eventually give up. Steve put his arm around his shoulders and smiled brightly to him. Buckly responded to him by a smile of his albeit shyer.

They headed for their flat. On Steve’s demand, Bucky and he lived on the same floor and their flat opened to the other’s door. Moreover, they had installed some kind of monitors in both of their bedrooms so that everytime one would wake up crying from nightmares, the other could be with him in no time.

They entered Bucky’s flat and went directly in his bedroom. Bucky sat down on his bed while Steve looked around him. There were few pictures hanging on the wall - one with Steve, another with Natasha, another one with both Natasha and Barton on what looked like a Saturday morning in a typical city in the countryside. Apart from that, there was barely no customization of the place that’d show people the room belonged to someone in particular.

Steve remembered when Bucky arrived at the compound; he was ready to sleep on the floor as he had been doing when he lived in Romania - and later on, in Wakanda. But Tony had made sure the room was fully furnished; there was a bed and also a bedside table on which Bucky put a lamp and his notebook, there were a few shelves for him to stack his previous notebooks and some novels and Russian poetry he liked.

“You’ll be alright?” the blond asked as he was ready to leave his friend alone.

Bucky nodded but when Steve turned on his heels, the brunet suddenly tugged his sleeves. When Steve looked at him, he blushed. He didn’t speak but didn’t let go either and even pull stronger so that Steve eventually had to sit beside him on the bed.

“Is there something wrong, Buck?” he asked, frowning.

Bucky seemed embarrassed. At first his face looked like a “no” face but then he got all shy and Steve didn’t know anymore. As it used to be the contrary - Bucky being the confident one and Steve the lanky overlooked one - the blond smiled with amusement - while also understanding how serious was the current situation.

Finally, Bucky took a deep breath.

“I need to tell you something.”

Steve nodded.

“Go on. I’m listening.”

Bucky seemed pleased by his response but didn’t relax for all that. What it was that made him so nervous, Steve wondered.

“I-”

The brunet stopped and bit his lips but Steve encouraged him to continue with a smile. Bucky briefly closed his eyes and then spit the whole sentence in a hurry.

“I think I love you Stevie.”

Steve’s face turned white. Bucky felt his heart beating faster than ever and he waited for Steve’s answer with a knot in his gut. He wasn’t sure what he expected - or if he expected something at all. But what if he got rejected? The mere thought terrified him.

Finally, the blond spoke again.

“You mean you... As in...?”

He didn’t finish but Bucky got it anyways and nodded. God, in any other time, he would have made so much fun about Steve’s obnoxious shyness.

Captain America was chuckling and shook his head a few times.

“I can’t- Wow. I mean.”

He looked at Bucky with a ghost of a smile on his face.

“I mean I’ve probably been in love with you since we were kids, Buck.”

Bucky’s mind went wild and he didn’t think about controlling his voice when he answered with all the hope in the world:

“You’re serious?”

Steve offered him a beaming smile.

“I’ve never been so serious in my entire life.”

Bucky felt like his stomach had melted and transformed into something light and flying. At the same time, his whole body felt warm. He lost his mind from happiness for a short time and suddenly he noticed Steve leaned over him.

His face was so close their breath mixed with each other. Bucky knew what Steve was waiting for. He panicked. His hand got sweaty and the plates composing his metal arm moved restlessly out of stress. Fortunately, Steve didn’t seem to notice. Bucky tried to calm down, but as it was ineffective, he just rushed in and closed the distance between them in a heartbeat.

Their lips touched and it felt... nice. Steve’s lips were soft to kiss. Really, Bucky had never put his mouth on something as good as Steve’s lips. But then the blond put out his tongue and Bucky opened his mouth to him without thinking.

And God: _even better_.

They parted and as they seemed to suddenly realize what they had just did, they each looked away and blushed. But then, as they had had the same reaction, too, they started laughing.

When they had cooled down and Steve was leaning again, this time in the direction of his neck, Bucky wriggled on the bed.

“There’s... something more I should tell you” he said.

Steve frowned.

“I- It’s not easy, actually.”

“Come one. You can tell me everything. Really.”

Bucky shook his head, looking irritated.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s just, I don’t how to say it.”

He stopped and looked at his hands. He was twiddling his flesh fingers with his metal fingers.

“When I was under HYDRA’s control, they-”

He stopped again. It didn’t know how to put it or where to begin with. Or even if Steve really needed to hear what he had to say. But, as for the last part, that was probably to late. He lifted his head and looked into Steve’s bluest eyes.

“I’m afraid of you touching me.”

Before Steve could say anything, he continued more quickly.

“I mean, I don’t like being touched. By anyone. But not by you. I mean, no, I’m scared of that too but obviously I want to touch you, but I don’t know if my body-”

But Steve cut him off by putting his hand on his shoulder. He smiled with utmost gentleness.

“Bucky, it’s fine.”

Bucky expected a lot of thing - incomprehension, rejection, disgust maybe - but not that. So he just sat there mouth wide open until eventually, he let out a single word.

“Really?”

Steve couldn’t help it anymore and laughed. He made sure not to hug his friend but instead he pressed himself even closer to him and laid down his head on his shoulder - not caring about it being the metal one.

“Really, Buck.”

The ex-assassin still had trouble processing all this.

“That’s- Wait. Don’t you want...?”

Steve shrugged without lifting his head.

“You know” he began “I don’t mind being called a virgin, actually. What pissed me off is that the news made it sound like it was something awful, like it was a bad thing I needed to fix. But I think that... Well, I just never gave it many thoughts, that’s all.”

“What about Peggy?” Bucky abruptly asked.

He wasn’t being jealous. Definitely not.

“Oh, yeah, Peggy. Well, I loved her, too.”

“And you two never had sex?”

This time, Steve raised his head to look at him with half a frown and half a smirk.

“Bucky. I kissed her for the first time the day I went into the ice. So, obviously no, we didn’t had the time for that.”

“And if you had had the time?”

Steve bit his lips while trying to imagine it.

“Well, in that case, I guess it would have been nice.”

Suddenly, he stopped and his eyes narrowed.

“Wait. Are you... jealous?”

Bucky blushed. Because he did not want Steve to make fun of him, he caught the first thing near his hand - his pillow - and attacked his newly boyfriend. Steve tried to protect himself behind his arms but he had forgotten he was dealing with the best Cold War assassin. Soon, he had to grab Bucky’s smaller pillow in order to counter-attack. The two of them fought like children until they fall backwards on the bed, Steve above Bucky. Their cheeks were red and burning. The blond slammed a big kiss on Bucky’s lips who returned it with more energy, wrapping his whole body around Steve’s.

“So...” said the blushing deadly assassin “you like me? The way I am?”

“I _adore_  you, Buck.”

They kissed again.

“But you know, you don’t have to be ashamed of that. I don’t know if Nat ever told you about Bruce and her but Bruce is also asexual.”

“Asexual?”

Steve was kissing him on the crook of his neck. Meanwhile, he had slipped one of his hand under his shirt and started to move it upward. It gave him goosebumps but also so much feeling of warmth and overall happiness. Safe and home, Bucky thought. He wanted to stay like that for ever.

“Yeah. Apparently, that’s how we’re supposed to call ourselves now” Steve teased.

He covered Bucky’s face with butterflies kisses. Bucky giggled.

“I like the ring of it!” he said like a 5-years-old kid on a Christmas’ morning.

Steve smiled fondly at him. He replaced his lover’s hair behind his ear.

“So, like, what now? Would you like to-” he quickly turned red and looked shy and Bucky thought he had never seen something more beautiful than his Stevie right now “-I don’t know, keep cuddling in front of a movie? There’s that one Sam told me about, with knights in space who have laser swords and there are battles between spaceships. At least, it seems funny.”

Bucky rose up and winded his arms around Steve’s neck so he could kiss him completely at ease.

“That sounds just _fucking_  perfect, Rogers.”


End file.
